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Just to be clear, what I mean by “success” is NOT garnering the most praise or beating out the most competitors. I’m defining success as an adult who is fulfilled in their personal and professional lives; someone whose drive comes from within, not from without.
I was recently reminded of how easy it is for parents to forget this when they are in the thick of raising children. Example one: A young child’s piano teacher tells his mother that he has an uncanny ability to hear music and “gets” the beat in a way other kids his age do not. Wanting to support this child’s gift, the mom starts enforcing daily practice, pushing him further each day.
Example two: A dad sees his daughter is great at soccer, and is encouraged to place her on multiple leagues. She enjoys it so she signs up. Soon enough, the parents are paying for private coaching so that she can get on competitive leagues, and eventually she is playing daily. Sounds good, right? Fast-forward a few years and not only is she burnt out, she now hates soccer. And the parents cringe to think of how much they spent over the years.
An old high school friend of mine, Earl Maneein, was studying the violin very seriously when we were in school. He was already immersed in the same training that world class soloists like Itzhak Perlman and Joshua Bell go through. The interesting part? He was a metal head, loved Metallica, Slayer, Anthrax, you name it. As the son of immigrants, you’d think his parents would have pushed him to practice more and leave alone the heavy metal; yet instead they encouraged him to follow his heart. So today he is still playing violin and started a string quartet that plays a “crossover” of classic rock heavy metal meets classical violin.
Getting a chance to catch up with him, I am even more astounded. Earl’s wife, an accomplished cellist, is in the quartet with him, and they are introducing the love of violin to their little girl. Playing classical violin at weddings and other events pays the bills, but he is still pursuing what his passion is.
Do you think his life would have turned out this way if his parents had been “tiger” mom and dad? I highly doubt it. Children need to find their own passions and be supported by those around them. That’s one of the most important things we can do for them as parents. Let them find their way – we are there to guide – not to push.
Here’s a clip of the amazing Earl Maneein and his string quartet “Seven Suns” playing the other night – I shudder to think what we may have lost in the music world if his parents had listened to the rants of a tiger mom.
